Cootess 2 Fit Club: "I Will Destroy You!"

All you coots and cootesses participating in the Fairfield/HQ/Bookmobile Fit Club need to gird up your loins. With a combo of fierce psychological warfare and a iron will, The Cootess is coming to defeat you. Phase I of my brilliant plan: bulk up as much as possible before the initial weigh in so I have that much more weight to lose. Ask me what I had for lunch yesterday. Well I'll tell you anyway: a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese (Kraft Dinner to you Canadians out there), a Tostinos Triple Meat Pizza and four Pina Coladas ... and that was just lunch [insert maniacal laughter here]. As you can see, you will not win so you may as well give up now and pass me the pot o' cash. October, while you foolishly run 10Ks, The Cootess strategizes with loaded potato skins and double fried chicken doodles. Fish for Food, Norah, Effie, Mini, surrender now while you still have your dignity and a modicum of self-respect. Charles, Ron, I think you'll find humilliation tastes far more bitter than chocolate cake, so maybe you should just stick with the cake. The rest of you, prepare yourselves for DEFEAT 2.0!



Quotable Quote:

"Jazzercise is very 'cutting edge', staying on top of everything. I like being involved in something that's on top of everything - something that's number one!"

-- Cootess Christie Pavlovcak of Mentor, Ohio

Pod+Casting=Male Cootess Sour Grapes

Hey cootlings, remember veejay Adam Curry from "Headbangers Ball" on MTV? Wow, you are sooo old. Anyhoo, it turns out that under those flowing flaxen locks resides the soul of a true computer geekin' entrepreneur. That's right, mister man has been fiddling around on the net since the days of Gopher. Remember Gopher? Dang, I told you you're old. It was he who registered mtv.com and established MTV's presence on a little thing I like to call "the web". But he didn't stop there, oh no, and this is where he links up with a little thing I like to call "Library 2.0": that dude who interviewed an only partially surgically enhanced Michael Jackson is one of the dudes who had a major hand in developing a little thing I like to call "podcasting". Here's where things get interesting to The Cootess. So Monsieur Curry goes on Wikipedia and seemingly overstates his role in the invention of podcasting, not giving proper props to the work of other dudes in the course of development and giving absolutely no cred to Al Gore for inventing the internet or Kanye West for inventing everything else. So Wikipedia calls him out and Adam is all, I apologise. I didn't know the full history, and Wikipedia is all, That's O.K. We all make mistakes. Now, keep in mind I am reading about this whole thing ON Wikipedia a couple days ago. I go on Wikipedia this morning and all traces of the "Controversy" article about Adam Curry has been expunged. I know, I know, the layers upon layers of Web 2.0 intrigue are blowing my mind too. I have to say I heart the human drama of 2.0. That is totally what 1.0-1.5 was missing. More importantly, I think we have all learned a valuable lesson here: Never ignore Kanye West!

Quotable Quote:

"For people that dress super-good, this is the music that we listen to. If you don't like it, you probably can't dress that good." --thus spake the Great Cootess Kanye

Twitter: Best-Loved Entity Since Raymond

Eeeeverybody loves Twitter! Lately it seems all is a-twitter about Twitter. I will be having a heretofore stimulating conversation with a perfectly sound-minded individual when, without warning (or "apropos of nothing" as Bobby del Libros likes to say), he/she will break off into a cooing verbal love letter to Twitter. All amount of media, including the blogs and radio shows I follow WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT TWITTER. Apparently, one of the great draws is that celebs and other persons of note are constantly tweeting, so it's like we average Josephines are actually hanging out with professional athletes, television personalities and leaders of the free world, observing every move they make and sharing every thought that passes through their lofty craniae. Some late tweets of note: Erykah Badu tweeting during childbirth, Rainn Wilson tweeting about minutiae during coffee breaks on the set of "The Office", and of course Diddy tweeting whilst [doing something tantric]--that man will not rest until every cell of my brain is clogged with his disturbing personal info. All Twitter-lovers say the same thing: "It's just sooo cool." Not particularly illuminating, but not surprising. That's what all lovers say of their beloved. You won't catch me tweeting or following any Twitters for the same reason you won't find me on Facebook. That's because I have some loves of my own: solitude, personal space and cheese. I find no one's thoughts more fascinating than my own, there is no more appreciative audience of me than me, and I don't like to share my cheese. But hey, that's just me. Tweet on, Twitter-lovers, tweet on.


Quotable Quotes:
"I didn't shoot anybody."--back when he was Puff Daddy
"I [censored] my [censored]." --Diddy in every interview in the last three years

Speaking of Overcompensation

I was noticing that, fresh and young as this blog is, The Cootess has already mentioned Kanye West twice. So I started pondering The Divine Mr. West's relevance to library services (or "webrary 2.0" as the kids say) and blogs in general, and that's when it hit me: Kanye West is the Greatest Cootess of Them All. Years of waiting and searching and consulting the prophecies and he was right under our noses all along. Ah, such are the mysterious ways of the Cootiverse. If you look closely, you can make out ex-stripper and handmaiden to the Greatest Cootess of Them All, Amber Rose, in the passenger's seat above.

A Mere Sampling of a Big Pot o' Quotable Quotes:

“If y'all fresh to death, then I'm deceased.”

“George Bush doesn't care about black people."

"This is some Benjamin Button [nonsense]!"

P.S. Until I get back from vacay I will continue to overcompensate with huge pictures.

Week 3: I Have Totally Run Out of Juice

Ya know, every year about this time I take a week-long vacay on a nearly deserted beach, and every year about two weeks before said vacay (or "holiday" as the Brits, Madonna and hoity-toity types say) I get vacay-itis, run out of velocity and find it difficult to keep up the pretense of caring about work. People, I've got nothing. I can barely type this. In fact, I resorted to a purple font in hopes of covering up the lack of adrenaline here. Jeez, I started this post like five hours ago. I keep getting distracted by dang ole patrons and wistful thoughts of lulling surf. I'm sure when I return I will be raring to go, but for now I'm having a lot of trouble getting excited about the likes of RSS feeds. So, I added a couple of feeds to keep in compliance. Then yet another goody-goody, direction-reading library employee told me we have to have three. Crazy! I just don't feel like thinking about this right now. At the risk of incurring the considerable wrath of the Web 2.0 committee (Don't think I haven't heard the rumours of the "disappeared" blogs), I just can't be bothered. Look, I get it. RSS feeds are nifty and convenient. Nuff Said. What more do you want from me? I am totally cootified at this point. For example, I was going to add a video clip of the illustrious Carrot Top talking smack, but all I could manage was this gigantic picture and then I lost interest. This is just where I'm at right now, man.

Quotable Quote: "I never looked at Gallagher like he was a threat to me."

Cootess: The Next Generation

The Littlest Cootess (aka Georgia Pearce Tobin--ChiChi as I call her) has come to deliver us from earnestness and place us all beneath her contempt. That's right, cootlings! The Cootess is an Auntie . . . and let me say life is a banquet and most poor S.O.B.s are starving to death, suckas!

Quotable Quotes: "I told you not to let them photograph me without my eyebrows."

"My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself

perform live." (Kanye West has tried to take credit, but ChiChi said

it first, haters.)